SECTIONS :
(A) Concept of a Good Marriage
What should a marriage be like?
(B) Purpose of a Marriage. –i.e. why is it necessary to marry?
And
How to Choose a Good Spouse
i.e. What kind of a person should one marry? –prefer as spouse
(C) Certain Pertinent Matters
(D) Right Conduct as a Spouse
(E) Being a Desirable Candidate for Marriage
Criteria for being ‘eligible’
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(A)
Concept of a Good Marriage
A marriage should be between two good people.
Two pure, committed to the relationship, well-meaning persons.
They ‘should have mind’ (‘man’) ; and there should also be connect between the minds ; understanding.
It is desirable that there be liking for one another, though this should be natural (i.e. a natural outcome of genuinely likeable qualities, if present).
A2
Ideally, qualities for which a spouse or prospective spouse would be likeable are not ‘appearance’, ‘mannerisms’/’style’ or being a ‘stud’ or expert sportsperson. The mere presence of these traits, do not make the person who has them, – likeable. They do not increase his/her eligibility.
The likeable qualities in a person, related to ‘prospecting’ / match-making, are the same as the likeable qualities in any person, any human being. – Being a moral person, having a good emotional constitution and being sufficiently cultured.
The first two essentially include- going out of one’s way and comfort zone to help people in need; cultivating, loving and valuing a good family life; being honest and reasonably hard-working.
-And not only refraining from thinking and doing negative things.
It can be mentioned here, that what this author sometimes calls ‘having a good mind’, and what conventionally is called ‘being a good-hearted person’, is one of the most important and basic likeable qualities in a person.
A2b
Being of ‘good mind’ also includes (as per the concept in this Paper) – along with having a blameless or ‘clean’ heart – some ‘special’, valuable or ‘elevated’ qualities.
It is desirable that every person have such qualities. It is a good thing.
The ability to love, -to love a good person or thing deeply, tenderness, sensitivity, empathy, a noble spirit are some such ‘special’ qualities. Innocence is one such quality. (Innocence need not mean ignorance or naivete. It can be true innocence even without them).
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In an ideal marriage there would be a goodwill and good feeling toward one another and the relationship. A sincere attitude.
An earnest mentality when necessary (e.g. during crises).
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A4
The relationship of marriage has a sanctity.
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A5
If there is love between them, true love (‘marital love’ or ‘pre-marital love’ is one ‘form’ of love, as there are others), then that would be nice too.
Here ‘love’ signifies a feeling.
A certain way of thinking. Or thoughts.
Or liking someone for certain reasons.
The reasons should have to do with goodness, some good qualities in the person. –and not the appearance or mannerisms/’style’.
~
This love may develop –
After the marriage begins
Or
In some cases, before, as part of a process of a gentleman and a lady (or a good ‘boy’ and a good ‘girl’) meeting each other, /-happening to come across each other, by themselves (e.g. at their college or workplace. And happening to like the nature, the personalities of each other.
Either is alright.
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A6
It is an important point of this Paper that marriages can and SHOULD take place (and be maintained) even in the absence of great liking or ‘love’. (The justification for that is given a few paragraphs below).
All that is needed is goodwill and the right commitment and intentions on the part of each spouse. Doing the right things-, maintaining the right conduct as a spouse.
– Which qualities are derived from the broad quality of being a gentleman and a principled person, simply. Also necessary, is the right awareness i.e. of the principles involved in marriage, and one’s practical duties.
Maintaining a successful marriage, even without there being what is called ‘love’ in conventional language, is, in a sense, creditable.
~ ~ ~
A7
In such marriages, and in any marriage, there must be a sincere, completely open and frank relationship; the willingness to love, and the existence of love or affection as between family-members, -between the spouses. There must be full good intentions. A commitment to the relationship, to having a home together. –To spending good times together. A closeness; being free.
One major reason for the above is that these are essential for there to be a good environment for a child to grow up in.
For the child, the only thing that is acceptable is complete love, the greatest love and care. The very best (i.e. emotionally and in upbringing, not necessarily in clothes and toys).
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So what, if the husband and the wife are not entirely ‘compatible’?
One should think in one’s mind that one is having and will have an ideal marriage. If both are thinking so and acting accordingly, then it would be a good marriage.
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A8
The love which is considered as desirable or ‘nice’, (if it happens to exist naturally) in this Paper, between spouses or in ‘pre-marriage’ condition, is a kind of true love.
It is not ‘only romantic’ or ‘the most commonly seen’ kind of mentality. It is not amour/pranay. And of course it has nothing to do with any base mentality, instinct or sensuality.
It is a dignified, gentlemanly state of mind.
It has nothing to do with ‘a crush’ or ‘taking a fancy to someone’, either. It is independent of appearance or ‘beauty’; -not defined by it.
~ ~ ~
A9
(contd.) Without the above kind of marriage, many if not most persons would remain unmarried for life, nor is that satisfactory from the points of view of those persons, their parents, their society etc.
This is happening to a large extent in Western societies, and increasingly in socio-economically, educationally forward sections of the Indian populace.
With respect, it may be mentioned that not marrying or not having children is probably much more common among persons having the occupation of acting, ‘modelling’, artistic or ‘intellectual’ activities.
Statistically, the probability of a given person meeting and practically being able to get married to a person who is naturally and highly‘compatible’ for him/her, and naturally likeable for him/her; and vice versa, is very small.
(Though it can be increased by widening one’s social interactions (in various forms e.g. a club or camps, extra-curricular activities, cultural classes, ‘events’, festivals. –And by technology e.g. internet applications).
(contd.) But it is possible for each person to be a satisfactory, functional and acceptable spouse for every other person, if the other person too has the right conduct and expectations, goals. In such a marriage both of them would be happy.
That is reasonably easy to achieve.
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A10
(Note : Once his/her marriage is finalized, a person should not entertain thoughts of whether love or compatibility exists naturally. Nor should the person remember- in a certain way- of any other person he may have liked earlier. From then on, each should think and act as if his/her marriage is an ideal one, –make it so.
Anyway, if both persons are well-intentioned, are being particular and sincere in doing their duties as a spouse, then there would develop a certain kind of (genuine) liking for each other.
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A11
A spouse should also play the ‘purely positive’ role of thinking what makes his/her spouse happy, what gives him/her enjoyment, seems interesting to-, or would bring a smile on his/her face, such things, and trying to create such experiences for his/her spouse, every once in a while. (For example, starting a conversation about something his/her spouse is interested in, but not necessarily he/she himself/herself. Going to a particular kind of a cultural program in which he himself might not be spontaneously interested, but his spouse is).
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B
The Purpose of Marriage
~
The purposes of a marriage are multiple.
One is to start a family.
A complete family with children, their parents and grandparents (desirably). A happy family.
Companionship and support. Especially in old age.
A good household i.e. home.
The above things are essential in the right kind of a life.
~
The one essential purpose is to continue one’s respective family (and from an individual point of view, one’s lineage). -And also one’s society. And the humankind.
B3
Obviously one might think- aren’t there enough people on Earth now that even if I don’t have children, it would hardly reduce the human population; indeed, a large section of the people – respectfully speaking- are having many children. True.
One idea/subjective truth that addresses the above question, is that starting a family, having a family-life with children, and as they grow up, sharing experiences, learning from them and teaching, helping them become self-sufficient, upright human beings.. all this is one of the happiest experiences in life. It brings fulfillment and is one of the things that give meaning to an individual’s life.
Therefore, like all other good things, we should seek to incorporate it in our lives. It is a thing that ideally should be aspired to, attempted, irrespective of practical considerations.
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B4
And surely, like many of the other really valuable things in life, one has to put in some effort to attain and maintain it. But the rewards are more than worth it.
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B5
One should not think of the acts of getting married and starting a family, as something difficult, as an exertion or an exacting task.
It is not. Or it need not be.
[ Even if due to some factors applicable only to some specific individuals, it happens to be practically difficult, it should somehow be ‘made easy’.
-Because it is still essential to do it, a duty in life; so maintaining good spirits, making it as pleasant an experience as possible, one should go ahead ].
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B6
A cultured, white collar worker or intellectual class person may think – “Say I would not be having children, but what if there actually are a sufficient number of people in my class, who (let’s assume for the sake of argument) are having many children, more than what would have been sufficient on their part, and that would make up for my lack of children.
There are two obvious reasons why the above way of thinking, is a mistake:
a) What if other members of your class started thinking the same?
And is it morally aware thinking on your part sir/ma’am, to assume that they would bear that responsibility while it is alright for you not to?
(Please let there be no misunderstanding. Many persons are essentially ‘a moral person’, yet due to the want of the awareness regarding what constitutes the moral position/conduct in a specific real-world situation, -the moral necessity and justification of it – they end up making a seriously wrong choice).
b) For a society to assuredly succeed at perpetuating itself despite adversities, thriving and being happy, a certain minimum number of children in each descendant generation has to be born, and it is much more desirable that that number of descendants be born of a larger number of ancestors, than a smaller number of ancestors.
Because in the latter case, the gene pool of the descendant generation becomes less varied. –Which is biologically undesirable, both from the physical health and vigour point of view, and the mental abilities point of view. It may also have cultural implications; the presence of different personalities; the talent pool of the society. -Which often also affects a society’s ability to protect itself.
As a general rule, in a given society, the better kind of a person one is, the more children he/she should have. The lower limit should be two; the upper limit is the number of children who may be raised well by the good couple without compromising on anything important.
Here, grandparents, uncles and aunts, institutions like schools and colleges can all contribute positively.. share some of the tasks. Obviously in Western societies and in many Indian and East Asian societies nowadays, there needs to be a significant change in social structure and way of life, to enable this.
B7
The policies and practices of governments, employers and other institutions should be such that it makes it easy for well-educated, gentlemanly and ethical persons to have children and raise them well.
The extended family, friends etc. should also assist/participate to the best of their capacity.
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B8
The more one advances through middle and old age, the more one feels or realises the need for a full family.
And remember your childhood – the good times that you had, the smiles with your mother, the time when – as part of your earliest memories – your father brought you something from the market, on his way back from work. There are good memories. There is something in such memories that is difficult to articulate; something along with happiness, but a little different from it. One can perhaps call it a sense of ‘substance’ or something of value or ‘meaning’. A feeling of goodness.
It is probably more important than happiness.
Those times, the experiences were the best in your life. Don’t you want that ‘consciousness’, that entity to continue? -That ‘line’ to live on? Not die?
-For your house to have loving, sentient beings in it forever more?
The death of feeling souls, of good and gentle souls, is the only and final death. The death of an individual is regrettable, but nothing compared to it.
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B9
The second response to the question in Section B3, is : It is true that the world population now is large enough that there is no risk of extinction for humankind anytime soon.
But that by itself is no achievement or good thing.
Are there plenty of persons who are reasonably moral and cultured, well-educated, sensitive, having true love in them, and capable of providing the right environment and parental guidance for the same kind of a child to develop?
Are there plenty of persons who are fairly intelligent, or of considerable intellectual qualities?
–Who are of the gentry class, the professional class, white-collar worker and of University-level schooling?
(Please take note : ‘Income’ or ‘Net Worth’ are not attributes included above).
B10
Such persons, and a community made up of them – are peaceful and productive – so it is safe and dignified, and also comfortable living with them.
And ESSENTIALLY, it is every person’s duty to ensure that their coming generations live in an environment that is safe and dignified; where they would be able to live a life they deserve (i.e. there would be no environmental hindrances to that).
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B11
So the question was – are there a sufficient number of such persons in India or say Europe or America?
Let it be understood: there aren’t. That is, if a large percentage of their present population does not start families, then there would not be. If the present trend in the West, Japan and some sections of the Indian populace, continues, then there would not be.
For more on this, including what number can be called ‘sufficient’, the reader may please go over section of Addendum.
B12
It is ESSENTIAL to keep in mind, the indifference/laxity or unwillingness to have children is seen much more commonly in the kind of people mentioned above (i.e. in the third, fourth and fifth paragraphs of Section B9).
B13
-That is unfortunate. And the reasons ‘may be whatever’.
In some cases, it may be because those minds which are engrossed in ideal thoughts, are usually more prone to making errors in or being oblivious of practical matters. -Like making oneself sufficiently eligible in match-making terms.
-Pursuing or courting (applicable for gentlemen) a worthy ‘potential partner’ or being amenable to such advances (more applicable for a lady). And corresponding conduct for an arranged marriage.
– Even if that person is not perfect or doesn’t seem very desirable to you. If she/he is basically good, on the whole acceptable for you, and the two of you could make a successful marriage, then – after due thought and consideration – you should go ahead.
– i.e. rather than waiting around for the ‘ideal person’, too long.
o o o
And, try to make yourself an ideal person for she/he who is ‘available to you’.
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B14
The following is a PRACTICAL idea (not an idealistic one), and this author is not sure about its validity in all cases. The reader would have to judge for himself/herself.
It should not be like in the college days (when we meet many people) and early career, you would court or accept a person as life partner, commit yourself, only if she/he is very desirable to you, seems like a ‘great match’. And if there is no such person, you wait for an arranged match.
No. In the present social milieu, there is a large chance that if one did that, his/her interests of finding a satisfactory spouse would be harmed. As stated above, if there is someone whom you assess to be not necessarily of desirable appearance, smartness or cheerfulness etc., but a decidedly, considerably good person, a gentleman/lady and a responsible person, then take an initiative, even in early youth.
The reason for that is that nowadays, in the urban, middle income group and higher-, educated class, many if not most marriages are decided in college and workplace, by the ‘candidates’ themselves. So if you – an innocent, perhaps introverted, impractical person – remain inactive in your college days, assuming you’ll get some satisfactory, reasonably ‘alright’ kind of a partner through arranged match-making later, then there is a considerable probability that you are mistaken. – and your interests (hit) may be seriously harmed – in the sense you wouldn’t at all find a partner with whom you could be reasonably happy. Or your actual later marriage may cause you mostly distress.
Be warned : Most of the intelligent/bright, with good, agreeable personality , ‘eligible’ persons of your age group –whether man or woman – , -who would have been the right partner for you – may already have got married or committed themselves, by the time you start your arranged match seeking.
Of course this wasn’t true thirty or fifty years ago, but for better or for worse it seems to be true now.
And they are not in every case wrong. This author has seen a considerable number of ‘love marriages’ in which both partners are dignified, gentlemanly or ladylike. And it is the right kind of a match. Both of them have seemed likeable to him.
And this author has also seen many ‘arranged marriages’ in which one of the spouses has done serious wrong, or been cad/grossly negligent in his/her duties, wilful or quarrelsome.
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B15
The above is how it happens at present (pracalit).
This paper does not say that this is how it should happen.
As a principle or ideal mentality (ucit) – of course this applies to both boys and girls – one should not commit oneself in one’s college days, unless he/she meets someone decidedly very good-natured and assuredly a very good prospective life partner.
-Kind of exceptionally good. In a moral, emotional and ‘culture’ sense.
And if you do meet someone that good, in your college days, then take the good step and make a ‘provisional commitment’ (meaning under some circumstances you may still honourably change your mind).
Then, one should not hang back only to conform to conventions,-feeling shy – which is understandable and good, but one should take the right action still or due to deficiency in initiative and planning, chances of getting into some issues with parents etc.
Practically, one must also remember that one has to act within the right ‘time window’ and seize opportunities (so to speak) or make opportunities.
Not leave anything to chance. Keep ‘safety margins’ for all important things in life.
Because ideally, one should seek to be with a good person as spouse. And practically it is probable that in such a case, the persons who would be available to you later on through an arranged match, would not be as good as this person (B15 para 3).
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B16
But generally, even in such cases, the wedding should still be deferred till the gentleman is 27, and the lady 25.
B17
And of course, even if your prospective partner seems completely good, -of the right kind, still ask questions, probe, discuss thoroughly practical matters. -Problems that may arise etc. Take your parents’ and other family-members’ opinions and consider them very seriously. Many eyes and brains are better than just one.
But definitely do not ‘go for’ someone who just seems ‘nice’&/or exciting &/or good-looking, ‘interesting’, whose company currently seems ‘entertaining’ to you, respectfully speaking.
B15b
So if the above principle (B15) is practised, then the ‘pool’ of candidates in the Arranged Marriage circle would increase greatly. And that is what seems desirable to this author.
B18
REMEMBER – Before Age 25 or 28 or even – in some persons – 30, your good sense, maturity, practical wisdom, ‘personal culture’ and tastes are not fully developed. (So a person whom you really seemed to like at (your) Age 22, you may not even like at Age 26; forget about his/her actual good character or ‘suitability’).
So even if you like someone, wait around, do not commit yourself. In this day and age, marriages should take place not before Age 27 for men and Age 25 for women. But Marriages should take place before Age 34 for men and Age 30 for women. And in the meantime one should remain in contact, be reachable to the other person. –But also if any one of them feels he/she has found a better prospective spouse, i.e. a better human being, then it is perfectly right, dignified, indeed morally recommended that he/she not go ahead with the earlier prospect, and choose the new one.
(In this context, one may think- Does emotional attachment, loyalty, true feelings for another person count for nothing? Of course, yes.
The whole point is – persons of the same kind of goodness, -and next to that-intelligence should marry each other. And before a certain age (~25 or 27) most persons are not capable of making the right assessment of another individual’s nature; therefore one should wait till then. (And after that, if the other person seems not as good as yourself, then ‘cancel that prospect’).
[NOTE :This does not imply that one must assume that before age 25 one simply would not be able to make the right assessment of a prospective partner’s nature. One must try, especially once one reaches adulthood. That is part of practice too. But one should not spend too much time on it].
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B19
Probably, the phenomenon of young people ..in the late teens and early twenties of their life, actively looking for, seeking someone who would/could be their ‘life partner’ has some serious ‘side-effects’.
-For themselves; and for the particularly innocent or simple-minded youths in that society; and for the society on the whole.
The mind of a person in this phase of life should be occupied with things like pure dreams, idealistic imaginations, being interested in scientific facts, technological developments, -far-away lands and cultures, her/his own budding ideas on how to make the world a better place. (-no matter how ‘green’ they may be). -Some idle time, contemplation, lone walks. Reading.
There should be room for making errors.
A truly free life. Innocent persuasions.
These mental states and pastimes feature importantly among the things that build character.
If young minds are occupied with worldly plans and concerns about identifying and verifying a suitable person for life partner, then could it be that a generation of persons of petty, worldly or non-ideal kind of mentality is conditioned to develop? –Who are deficient in certain respects that are truly important?
Carrying on such activities on a frequent basis or ‘in the background’ parallelly from age 16 to 25, observing, analyzing, judging, such worldly thought processes at such a tender or fresh age, ‘reduces’ the mind.
Such thoughts and activities are disruptive of ideal kinds of thought.
It may also cause unnecessary stress. B19b
Also, due to career-building matters and it’s nitty gritties, and a mind not yet fully developed, often one takes ‘casual’ or insufficiently thought-out decisions. B19c
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B20
But from a practical point of view, it is also a fact that if in the present times, a young man or woman does not at all ‘prospect for’ or is not open to advances from potentially suitable persons as future spouse, in his/her early twenties, then he/she stands a large chance of losing out on a reasonably good, desirable partner. -Someone with whom he/she could have had a happy married life; whereas if he/she starts looking only after Age 25 or so, then he/she may not get as good or suitable a spouse. Obviously because all the ‘desirable’ or ‘suitable’ young persons are already committed or in a ‘serious’, long-standing ‘relationship’ by then. -And therefore they are not functionally ‘available’ anymore.
His/her chances of getting to meet a truly desirable person from among those he/she personally and ‘naturally’ knows, are much reduced by his/her Age 25.
At present in the West and in large sections of urban, ‘educated’ India, many if not most marriages are the result of ‘affairs’ or ‘acquaintances’ that started well before Age 25, and commitments that were made similarly early.
The above is not what should happen.
In principle, ideally, young persons should not seek for matches, deliberately considering or ‘trying out’ (e.g. in the form of ‘dates’) different ‘options’, before Age 25.
One should remain free, available till Age 25. Not finalize marriage or commit oneself.
After that, one may start trying to find a good match, with full fledged efforts, by self and parents.
B20b
But if in the college days, someone exceptionally good (unrelated to appearance) stands out to you (suggests itself to you), you may and you should try to establish a friendship with such a person. Maintain communications (again, not for ‘recreation’ or ‘chat’, not of a ‘romantic’ kind; but dignified, normal, friendly exchange once in a while over the phone or messaging/chat app) with the person, even after leaving college or change of company. And if after Age 25, and upon due research and deliberations, you still feel the same about the person, then introducing the person formally to parents and further ‘serious’ proceedings may start.
I am guessing this kind of a thing would happen uncommonly, if the right system is followed.
B20c
The above is what should happen. But practically, because many if not most young persons in the above kind of societies are already looking for and at least mentally committing themselves long before Age 25, therefore right-minded young persons, i.e. they who believe in the ideal principle and ideas in this section (B19), -who have that kind of a ‘lifestyle’, should be pragmatic also. – Such young men too should prospect a little, not for ‘dating’ as a leisure activity/‘entertainment’, but if they happen to come across a person who gives indications of being a good or particularly ‘suitable’ person, then they should take an initiative. At least try to develop a friendship or friendly acquaintance.
Young ladies too should be amenable to approaches from a person who seems to be of the right nature (which is unrelated to appearance, ‘style’, how much attention and ‘value’ he seems to be attaching to you), at least get to know more about the person. Co-operate with building a friendly acquaintance, and if asked for, consent to a few meets, after which she may remainopen to the possibility of a permanent relationship later (while not committing herself either) OR let know the gentleman frankly that she would not consider any future plans with him.
The whole thing should occur in a dignified, cultured, decent and temperate way.
A young gentleman, in such cases, even if he is feeling shy, should initiate contact and ‘special discussions’ or proposals regarding meets. It would be, in a way, to his discredit if both the persons are ‘interested’, but because of his want of ‘doing the right thing’, the ‘association’ doesn’t materialize. However, if the gentleman is of a good nature and has good culture, then it is also alright for the young lady to initiate the first conversation, make the first comment.
Under the present practical conditions and even in an ideal environment, a young person, from his/her early twenties should attend gatherings where he/she would get to meet other young people, e.g. college fests, ‘events’, study groups, tours etc. – With the purpose of maximizing his/her chances of meeting someone truly good. (And of course there are other purposes for this too, like simply having fun. Meeting other people). This is especially necessary for introverted or reserved persons. Such persons should go there, even if justifiably he/she feels there is not much truly enjoyable that’s going to happen at a given event.
Believe this author when he says that in his college days, he had been to quite a few such events, not just debates, quizzes and science exhibitions, but also performing arts, fests, and although his primary leisure activity – overall in life – has been reading, on coming back to his room from such events, he almost never felt that his time had been wasted. He was happy if he had happened to see two or three people he liked (unrelated to ‘romantic interest’ or gender) or one or two performances he liked, out of all the ones. Perhaps that is because ‘despite’ his ‘introversion’, reading habit, he has had (and considers himself fortunate to be able to have) genuine interest in and liking for other human beings. -at least for those who have some good qualities, while being well-meaning toward all persons.
B20d
The generalized practice of ‘affairs’ and ‘dating’, and being open to the possibility of committing oneself before Age 25, is not a practice that should continue.
Perhaps family-level and school level ‘education’, exhortation.. explanation, etc., -sustained, on a wide scale; perhaps with some forms of incentivization etc., may prove successful in stopping it.
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NOTE : Though ideally a teenager or person in his/her early twenties should not engage in thoughts of ‘dating’ or practical match-finding, they may still have -in an innocent way – a notion or concept of what a good or ideal life partner would be like.
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B21
A given person could have a happy and successful married life with any one of a large number of people. -Not just one person in the whole world or his/her society. (Dale Carnegie had said the same in his book ‘How to Stop Worrying and Start Living’).
Indeed, when every person is of the right mentality, then any two individuals of the same age range can have a successful and reasonably happy marriage. Isn’t that a beautiful and reassuring thing?
NOTE :The one essential criterion for a successful marriage is that it should create a child /children and the children should be raised well enough that they become reasonably moral, and functional– i.e. they hold a satisfactory job, are fit for someone else to marry them, and have the right, normal mentality which makes them start a family of their own and raise their children well.
In other words, perpetuate their family, society and it’s important normative qualities.
Another criterion for a marriage to be considered successful, that is very important, is that of mutual care and companionship. From the moral point of view, it is essential.