October Paper

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Never tell your child to be obedient.

But in other cases, with respect to being a good boy / good girl, duties etc., the parent should never tell him/her ‘You must do this’, OR ‘You need to do it because I say so’.

Morality consists of understanding the reasons why.. and doing it for the right reasons, because you believe in it. -Like and love the idea.

The normative essence must be there.

Not merely because it is an externally introduced and enforced code.

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It is desirable that a child or youth realise the goodness within/underlying certain things.

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PRACTICAL –

With all respect and love for everyone, I am having to say the following only out of possible practical necessity. If I am saying something wrong or in a wrong manner, I am sorry and would rectify this.

It would not be too inappropriate to say – Beware of an ‘obedient’ child.

(EXCEPTION – In matters of physical safety and health- he/she must do as parents say).

(continued)- May be he/she is only following the path of least resistance or effort. Not a good sign or quality you want to have in a child.

–Or not thinking at all about the right-ness or auchitya of the matter.

Perhaps a dullness has set into the mentality of our child?

There are many sons who were ‘devoted’ and obedient to their mother in boyhood, and become ‘loyal’ and obedient to their wife in their adult life, and emotionally and materially neglect the mother. Actually all along he was only serving his interests, whatever the appearances might have been.

[-Perhaps it happened sub-consciously; the child or boy/girl did not even know in full depth, that he was doing it for those reasons.

Or may be there was a residual resentment ].

It is doubtful he loves either much.

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Why should a child be obedient? Obedience is not goodness or morality. It is not courage or commitment or love or compassion or any such thing.

(In some cases, it constitutes good sense or more intelligent thinking (since parents are older, more experienced, the chances of their being right is more).

Or it may be because of love or regard.. I have for my mother/father, so even if I disagree, let me just do it (i.e. as he/she says). -At least a few times.

But still, the moral awareness and analytical thinking, discussing and questioning, judging for oneself , developing that faculty, is essential).

Otherwise a boy/girl often grows up to be ‘clever’ and practically savvy (in tending to his/her own worldly interests). But not principled or truly wise; which is the kind of people we want to make up our society. It is such people we want to be our neighbours and fellow-citizens. In contingencies and crises, such people are beneficial and people of merely ‘practical and ‘ordinary’ mindset are a great risk.

A child /boy /girl may be deeply loving of his/her parents and yet be argumentative about the instructions he/she receives. -Express unwillingness.

This author has seen such real-life cases. He was one such case (in some respects)!

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It is important to recognize a distinction : a child who argues – on the basis of what he seems to think is right or alright – is one matter. A child or teenager who is only throwing a tantrum, being wilful and is neither proffering arguments, nor truly listening to them or considering them, is another matter.

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Nevertheless, as a parent, if you have a high degree of confidence regarding something and success or failure in the matter is critical, then go ahead and somehow ensure that the child does the right thing in that matter. For example he may think studying 8 hours a day for competitive entrance examinations is enough, when actually one needs to study all the time he can for them. Or he may feel that he needs to take no coaching classes or the opposite – do no self-study or writing, but you are highly confident and experts and professionals feel the same (you should do your reading, and he too should do his), then you should go ahead and ensure.. anyhow.

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It may be a part of that which we call ‘good sense’ or being morally responsible.

[ Good sense- as in ‘my parents are more experienced, therefore would probably know better than me. So even if I want, feel like, doing something, let me do what father /mother is telling me to.

-Or doing it out of love.. it seems mom/dad would be happy or pleased if I do this, so for that, let me do this. At least a few such things ].

[ Of course, very often children do not think so clearly. Such subjective or logical considerations often simply do not occur to them ].

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Always give reasons i.e. justifications for why he should do a thing. He may or may not be able to understand them fully at the time, still.

The justifications may be based on one or more of the following : morality, facts and logic.

Saying ‘it is a good thing’, ‘it is good’ is also part of the first element.

To a child, should be used ‘-should-’ rather than ‘do it’.

Sometimes, ‘it will be good if you do it’. ‘- if things had been like this’.

And if these alone are unproductive, then – ‘you have to’. – Because that is for the welfare (hit) of the child itself.

The reasons may be ideal or practical.

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If the child or boy/girl even after hearing  the right reasons, wants to do the wrong thing or not do the right thing, then the parent may proceed and ‘apply discipline’, which may include withdrawal of positive things e.g. television, play (if a very important thing is involved), going out etc. Only in extreme and exceptional cases.. physical force. -As a last resort. ‘Voice control’ may be applied.. again, try the more ideal options first.

-Or may simply pass on, not insist upon the right or necessary thing the first time, and ask at another later time, another occasion.. see if he/she agrees then. If not , then apply discipline.

Perhaps, in a few matters, repetition may be practised (of what you say – ucit vakya) 20, 60 times if necessary- and with sincerity each time, with feeling or heart,  good intent.. not sarcastically or as a token. If after the 50^th time he/she changes, it would be a small price to have paid, on your part.

No need to try to make it ideal or perfect, manifest overtly, obviously your deepest feelings (which are there) every time. But say it in a normal, good way. With good intentions.

A psychologist on an Indian TV channel was relating how a lady had acted with her child regarding keeping his footwear in the shoe-rack upon returning home, and not leaving them anywhere on the floor – “I said it to him sixty times and on the sixtieth time, he obeyed or remembered, and now, he does it himself, makes it a point every time, and also tells others to take off their shoes before entering.

Even if 20% of children respond favourably to this, the result would be good enough to justify the method.

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Voice Control is not the same as speaking in a domineering, overbearing or rude tone. -In a coarse way. The latter should not be done. -Even if the parent or teacher ‘wants the best for the child’ / ‘is doing it all for the child’s welfare after all’. Sometimes the formers do not do it intentionally or consciously, but lose patience. Anger occasionally forms itself in a part of the mind and gushes out of a vent. But no, one should not allow oneself to lose patience or get angry. Keeping patience is also a matter of habit.

(Perhaps at times showing anger (i.e. controlled, in a responsible, higher frame of mind), such a tone (still, begin with firmness, not heat) is alright. It lets the child know that this is a serious matter, perhaps an essential thing to do/not do. -And also saves time and energy of the guardian which he/she may apply to other benevolent activities for the child).

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One more thing should be remembered. Probably this is true, not only a nice sounding thing. Love achieves more than tactics or ploys, or ‘discipline’ does. Love, and care. Care includes imparting good lessons, and values.

[ If there is love, it shows. If not right away, then over a period of time, mostly, a child/teenager is able to understand that.

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In all matters, a child should have the freedom of asking questions freely and they should be answered most of the times to a reasonable extent. Indeed questions are desirable. An argumentative or analytical mind is essential.

If not too tiring at that particular time, try to answer the child’s ‘follow-up questions’ too 😊, but there is no need to engage in the long intricate process of arguments and counter-arguments every time, in case he/she wants that.

Sometimes, the parent may say – “I’ll say later.”

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In many cases, parents insist upon obedience because it is convenient for them. A ‘physical’ and ‘mental’ advantage.

But unthinking, blind obedience, this author reckons, may cause dullness in the mindset of a child.

It is highly desirable, in a way essential that children think for themselves. -That they are habitually able to do so.

That they think of the right or wrong of a matter.

(Practical – i.e. they are not acting out conformity – for expediency).

Do we not want our children to be bright, sprightly, active. At the same time, dignified, reasonably proper and good-natured.

Children should understand , and if necessary they should be made to understand that love, respect, deference ‘in principle’/in a sense, toward parents and elders of the family, is a good thing and they should have that. But not obedience without mental analysis, questions and discussions – where applicable and practicable. (a simple example- not to make noise or spit/litter in public places (or at home), may be told to them if they are not doing it, but it is not necessary to explain and discuss the thing to them -for example- in a bus-stand or airport , or may be just stating, no discussion or explanation at such a location or setting is necessary). So generally- just act sensibly, according to common sense.

Bringing up reasonably principled, and loving, emotionally aware children, good children, is not difficult, not all that difficult, and it should not be so, for any particular parent.

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A child should not use a ‘smart phone’.

It is absolutely and extremely undesirable for someone less than ten years of age. And unless practically necessary on occasions, below seventeen years of age, a young person should not use an internet-connected phone.

As a practical policy, parents must prevent children below 17 years of age, from using a smartphone. It is essential that they not permit it.

While being out for tuition or outing etc., a girl may carry one of her parents’ phones, or best of all, a feature phone (with only calling and SMS facilities).

Ideally, a smartphone should not be used below the age of 23.

-Unless practically necessary, on the infrequent occasion.

It is perhaps a sign of the times that one may have to append the above statement with a ‘seriously’ !

However, using a desktop computer from age 18 or 20 is alright.

Instruction in Computers in school by practical lessons should occur only once a week and from Standard 6 or later.

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Approximately the same as above is applicable for ‘video games’. There should be no video games before age 18, and after that, only sparingly.

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The ability to imagine. -The natural habit to. Developing the faculty.

Being of a thinking nature.

-Very probably, these above vital qualities are interfered with and diminished by things like smart phones.

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A little bit of ‘boredom’ is good.

Spending some ‘blank time’.

Passing time by oneself. (Without any technological or ‘overt’ or ‘physical’ means of entertainment). Having thoughts to and talks with oneself.

[ Sometimes just observing nature. Perhaps some other times tinkering with household objects, trying to understand what shape and shade of leaves belong to which plants. A ‘natural activity’. Setting the garden or backyard in order ].

Being able to be good, pleasant and interesting company to oneself. And I dare say – thereby to others too.

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For an adult person too, just because one has a phone in one’s pocket with internet connection, doesn’t mean one has to use it.

[ Even if one is feeling a bit ‘bored’. This should be tried at least two days a week ].

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Creativity.

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For an important reason, studying of a subject/topic should be done only by reading (i.e. text, and some diagrams, drawings), first. And maybe months or years later things like animations, videos and photographs as aids to learning. Being able to visualize concepts in one’s own mind is essential. -Form a picture. Imagine something happening – including the dynamic aspect, the cause effect relationship. And thereby forming a whole concept.

Although in medical or engineering college – after one has read the books, examined models etc. – watching good videos and animations may in some cases be immensely beneficial.

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There should be a good children’s or youth magazine for young people to read.

It is unfortunate that – to my knowledge – almost no such magazines exist at present in India. I do not know what proportion of Western or African children get to read such a periodical. If they do not exist, then they should be created by a group of elders getting together.

In my boyhood, I was fortunate to have two to three such Bengali periodicals.

The pieces and features in them should be of good quality and substance. They should not ‘infantilize’ the young reader. Most pieces – some fiction and some articles, with some comics pages, but not of the typical ‘superhero’ kind – should be for teenagers, and a few for pre-teenage children.

Let me say tentatively, the mark of a good children’s story is that adults too appreciate and enjoy it. -Even as they know it was written with children in mind. The stories of Satyajit Ray or the novels of Shirshendu Mukhopadhyay or Sanjeeb Chattopadhyay are just examples.